Signing up to sing a solo in front of approximately 1000 people when I was 13.
Going to a youth dance by myself when I was 14.
Volunteering for things that I wasn't confident or qualified to do.
Trying everything.
What happened?
I think I started caring too much about what other people though of me. I started to be embarrassed just doing things for fun if I wasn't good at them. I also think I started to take myself a little too seriously.
I want to get back to my brave self. I want to do things because I want to do them and stop caring what people might be thinking if I look a little awkward or something.
I don't want to have the perfect instagram account or the perfect blog. I just want a life filled with laughter and fun.
Not worrying about what other people think is a process, and I think i'll get there, because I want to.
Today we had an amazing women visit work today to talk to a group the woman at the company. I was eating the discussion up. Here are a fews Gems of the discussion:
-Work and life don't have to be at war with each other
- Put your whole heart into what you are doing right now, regardless of your plans for the future
- Develop a personal definition of progress and don't just chase after everything everyone tells you you should be chasing after
- Figure out what you love most and do it
- Don't let people "should" all over you (this was my favorite)
She really talked about leaning into whatever you are doing whether it be staying at home with children, working, or doing both. Work hard at whatever it is and forget about other peoples expectations for you.
Women are constantly criticized for everything they do it seems. I want to support the women in my life for all the good choices they are making for themselves and their families.
My job is awesome for bring people in that help change our perspectives and just be better.
So I read this awesome article the other day about Jon Huntsman. I don't know much about him, but his message was AWESOME.
“Through the compound impact of altruism, I came to understand that people are doing philanthropy wrong. People generally think about charitable work the wrong way. They think that when they’re older and comfortable they’ll give some amount of money to something but that’s not the way to do it. The way to do it is to get involved as early on as possible because, even if it’s just volunteer work or $5, the impact you’ll have over your lifetime is far greater than anything you could possibly do if you wait until you think you’re comfortable. You’ll never really feel you’re comfortable enough to give away your money but if you start now and start doing some volunteer work, donating a little bit here and there, over the next 40 years you’ll have a huge amount of impact and you’ll feel great about yourself.”-Biz Stone
This article has made me considered my own philanthropy. Do we have enough to give more? Yeah we probably do. So I started to think of ways to give that could actually make a difference.
This reminded me of a micro finance company, I did I trial account with probably over a year ago, KIVA. If you don't know much about micro finance, ITS AWESOME (click here to learn more). It allows those people in poorer circumstances, often in developing countries to take out a small loan to go towards building their business.
As they make the money back you get small payments as the investor. 97% of micro finance loans are paid back in full too. So really its a low risk investment. Its almost like you are buying a CD from the government except instead of accruing a tiny bit of interest, its helping someone make a living. Once you earn that money back you can re-invest it in another loan or you can withdraw it.
Basically you give a certain amount of money and choose someone among their many lists of people looking for an investment. Everyone has bios that explain their life, what they will be putting the money towards, etc. I like to choose women entrepreneurs whose goal is to either go to school themselves or send their children to school.
I think this will be something I will need to revisit at every phase of my life. Am I giving enough, can I give more, am I giving to causes or organizations that can are actually making a difference (surprise surprise all charities are not created equal). I think giving creates a ripple. If we all can give just a little of ourselves and a little of our income we will be happier and that spreads.
I just love Taylor Swift. Even though she has completely changed her music style over the years, I just think she can do no wrong. Album out Oct. 27th. I can't wait. Here is her first single, Shake it up:
After work and sleep I only have maybe 6 hours left of my day to exercise, get ready, eat, and do the things that make me happy.
6 hours is not a lot of time.
As I was taking my daily walk by the Provo river (one of the best parts of my day), I realized that I need to prioritize better. While I am doing pretty good with this. I am letting things that don't matter to me take a lot of that precious time.
One of the biggest things lately has been the blog world and social media in general.
I've gotten a little obsessed with reading other peoples blogs, increasing my readership, looking into advertising, writing a post everyday, etc. As I was walking I realized that I never intended my blog to make money. I never intended my blog to make me famous. My desires and actions were saying I wanted the opposite.
I've decided I need to slow down on the blog and social media front for now. I need to go back to its original intent. Which was to write down my thoughts and record memories. I will probably blog a little less (which is probably a good thing for those who read, 6 posts a week is probably overkill). I know i'll be happier and able to fit more of the things I care about into those precious hours I have left in the day.
For example, I want to try some free online computer programming courses, make time to practice the guitar, find ways to serve and spend time with friends and family, read more, and train better for my Half!
Things have changed a lot since I started a full-time job, and its a learning process.
One of my co-workers yesterday suggested that I watch this TED talk.
Not only is the presenter HILARIOUS but he talks about happiness and how our current paradigm for happiness is wrong. We think this way: Goal set, reach, set higher goal, reach, set higher goal, reach. And at the end of those goals or success as he puts it is where we will gain our happiness. He points out that this model makes it so we never let ourselves be happy!
Thinking about this in my own life I would say thats true. I have based a lot of my happiness in my success in academics. But I always have to add more and keep going to feel like I am getting something out of it.
At the end of the video he poses a challenge. He challenges his watchers to do the following 5 things for 21 days, and pretty much guarantees more happiness (all of these things have been proven in scientific research time and time again to increase happiness) because we are changing how we process what happiness is for us. He also notes that doing this things can create a ripple effect of happiness.
"journaling" and "blogging" are interchangeable to me, especially since having an more up-to-date journal was my motivationto start a blog in the first place.
I am accepting this challenge and I want to report how I feel after its over. The cool thing is some of those things are already goals I have and I know they work to make me happy.
I've already got my gratitude journal ready to go on my bedside table for when I wake up :)
disclosure: I played this TED talk for my husband and he was like hey whats that guys name? and he goes over to our bookshelf and pulls out a book that he had told me I needed to read a couple months before we had even started dating. haha
The world tells women they need to be beautiful, and if your not you better pound on the makeup.
The world tells women they need to be fashionable, and if your not you better break the bank to make it happen.
The world tells women they need to be sexy, and if your not you better try harder by wearing shorter skirts and lower cut shirts.
I haven't always had an unwavering confidence in myself. As a teenager I self conscious and aware of the things that made me different, my imperfections as I saw them at the time. I had oily skin and oily hair, I had acne, I was not fashionable. I think my low self esteem started with a cycle of women in my life and the media.
Growing up I was told when I was pretty, I was told when I needed to wear makeup. There was one time when I revolted when I was 15 and I was scolded for "not trying." It really upset me that I had to "try so hard" to be pretty, when I didn't even care. Everything in the media told me I needed to care as well. All of the movies I watched as a young girl were focused on women being pretty, women trying to get "the man" usually by being prettier, etc (mean girls, so many chick flicks, etc)
But then I started to care. I started caring more and more. I got a lot of pleasure from people telling me I was pretty or that my outfit was cute. At one point in high school I remember keeping a tally in my head of how many times I was complimented during the day. I worried about how I looked to boys and how I looked to girls. I fixed my hair a couple of times a day, reapplied makeup. Got more insecure and started to let relationship guide my choices and decisions because of the sense of worth they gave me.
It wasn't until college right after my freshman year that I realized I was smart. I wanted to be more than pretty. I could be more than pretty. My looks, clothes, relationships didn't define me. What defined me was my inherent worth as a daughter of God. I became more interested in what he thought of me and what I thought of myself.
Once I began to understand where I was deriving my worth I began to take control of my life. Now I am less worried about how I look on the outside, to other people, and am more concerned on how I feel about myself. I want to spend my time trying to become a better person.
Maybe this circle of self doubt is just part of a young girls experience, but I think that can change. There are a lot of companies these days trying to help girls and women realize that their worth is in what they can do and be and not what they look like. I am not talking about manipulative Dove "Real beauty" ads (does anyone else see the irony in a beauty company that relies on the insecurities of women talking about how women need to embrace their true beauty, #notbuyingit) I am talking about real empowerment for women. For example these are the types of things that make me smile every time I see them. People taking the initiative to help girls understand their worth isn't or shouldn't be tied to the way they look.
Monologue over. haha
What is your experience with our beauty obsessed world? How have you overcome it?
Here are links to some awesome organizations trying to change the culture around women http://www.beautyredefined.net
http://therepresentationproject.org/films/miss-representation/
P.S. I totally just realized that the real "Try" music video has been going viral all week. I swear this has been a post I've been working on for 2 weeks ;) haha oh well even if it seems like I am a bandwagoner I still think its important to talk about my feelings with myself
If I had always gotten what I wanted the last 5 years, I would not have what I have now! I can't imagine being as happy as I am with some of the things I have desperately wanted during these last 5 years of college. God knows what path is best for us. Even though this is often hard for me in the moment I always try to keep this perspective.
This week, I have a huge project due that I've barely started. I present at a conference on my project research that I haven't finished, I start my new calling in the Relief Society, I have my first and last final, I have tons of work, and I need to do things that keep me happy in between.
I will make mistakes this week. I will probably be a little mean, a little unproductive, and a little grumpy. But I am going to try to be courteous, kind and happy as I go through this crazy week.
I am not perfect, I do want to change the world, and I am willing to work hard.
Okay well have you at least heard of Keds? Okay good.
So Keds started this project, called the Brave Life Project. Basically they are encouraging young women go for their career dreams and Be Brave. Cool right?
Since I follow Keds on Facebook, I saw their application, the prize was $1000 to use to further career goals. I saw it and thought, hey this is cool, might as well apply. Since it was a national campaign I applied, and forgot about it. I mean who ever wins stuff like this? Not me. haha
I got an email last week detailing that I was one of the 50 girls to win. I was shocked. SHOCKED. Really excited but shocked! The brave life project will feature my story on their webpage sometime in the next couple weeks. Finally I will be famous ;) not really. haha
The coolest part is that I get $1000 dollars to do the two things outlined in my application which were:
1. Half of the money to put towards a project I am working on with some of my classmates. It's called Move Well, its an app, and its gonna be cool (social impact cool). With some money we have won through other grants and competitions we have enough money now to hire a programmer to create the beta version as well as conduct a mini trial to find out if our incentive idea actually works.
2. Half of the money to fund me attending some kind of grant writing class, conference, or workshop. Anyone have any ideas? A lot of my job with the project/ my current job has to do with grant writing. I am not the most confident writer and really want to get better and more confident. I am thinking about attending one of these conferences somewhere cool. DC? New York? Where should I go?
It feels pretty cool to get recognized by a national program!!! Excited to see where this can take me!
I also love that Taylor Swift is the poster child for this campaign. I won something endorsed by her. COOL.
We don't go to church until 1 so we have a lot of Lazy time in the morning. Relief society was really good this week. We talked about overcoming challenges. The teacher compared it to running a race. For a race you have to make a plan and Train. You don't just get up one day and decide to run a marathon.
After church Travis went home teaching and showed this video to his home teachies (Which I showed him). He said their wasn't a dry eye in the group. :) If you haven't seen, please watch, it has an incredible message about serving others.
Then we headed to my parents for my dad's birthday celebration. We had delicious roast with veggies! my grandparents came over too. I love my family we have so much fun together. I am lucky.
The media and the world we live in today want us to be enemies, and to be jealous of each other. This idea is mostly thrust upon women. We need to be enemies when we are single because another woman could get in the way of who we want to date. We need to be enemies as mothers because someone else could be doing something better than us. We need to be enemies in the workplace because another women could take something we want. Stay at home mothers and working mothers have to be enemies because they are living their lives differently, right? Wrong. This issue is exacerbated by TV and the media in general that shows women in opposition and never as friends. Why do we buy into it?
I fell into this awful lie when I was a teenager, and often still have to stop envious or awful thoughts about women that I see beating me in one area or another. I realize now that the time I have wasted on jealousy, envy, and comparing myself to others could have been used to do some great things and foster wonderful new friendships.
I need to remember that every woman has a different set of skills and talents than me. I don't need to be the perfect studier, speaker, crafter or photographer like some of my amazing friends. The great thing is that I have friends who have skills and are willing to teach me. Friends and the relationships we have can be our greatest source of learning.
I don't need to feel bad about myself if I do not currently have a quality or attribute that a friend does. I can always work on those parts of me that aren't as strong as I would like them to be. I am done comparing myself to others. I need to be the best me and that's all.
I need to always remember that God created me differently from every other woman on this earth. I have a unique set of skills that my friends and family don't have. I have something to give my family and the world.
We are all so very different, and isnt that wonderful?? Let's build each other up instead of tearing each other down!
